The Kingdom Hearts Picture Show
by Lady Dragonryder
Summary: Sora and Co. are bored. So I kidnap them and make them perform the Rocky Horror Picture Show! Rating for later. Now Featuring Riku in a corset! And Axel in biker clothes!
1. Casting List

Axel, do the disclaimer. **  
Axel:** No  
Do it or you get no sex tonight.  
**Axel:** Robin owns no one but herself. She also does not own RHPS.  
Was that so hard?  
**Axel**: The things I do for sex...

* * *

Sora, Riku, Kairi, and their friends were sitting around Merlin's house in Radiant Garden being bored. Sora had the bright idea to watch a movie. With an evil grin, Riku pulled out a copy of the _Rocky Horror Picture Show_. Since they had nothing else to do, they watched it. 

_2 ½ hours later…_

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAIINNN!" Sora yelled, much to the annoyance of the others. Suddenly there was a large burst of smoke. When it cleared, they were no longer in Merlin's house, but in a huge auditorium with a stage. A young woman on the rafters began to sing.

"I have brought you/ to the seat of sweet music's throne… Oops, wrong show!" She grabbed a conveniently placed rope and slid down it, landing in front of the group.

"Who are you?" Leon asked. The woman smirked.

"I am The Authoress, known by many as Seraphanya. You, however, may call me Robin. I have brought you here because we were all bored, and now I shall make you….Perform a live version of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_!" There were many groans at this, since none of the boys wanted to dress in drag.

"Now, I'll need to call some more friends, first," Robin said. Snapping her fingers, there were two puffs, then Roxas and Naminé stood there beside their counterparts.

"What the..?" Sora asked, looking at his Nobody.

"Don't worry; I'll put them back when we're done with the play. However," Robin added, "We still are missing some friends…" She snapped her fingers again, and the next instant Axel, Demyx, and Zexion stood there.

"You…but…you're dead!" Sora exclaimed, looking between the Organization members. Robin smirked.

"I'm the Authoress. I have the power of life and death and romance over them—and you. For example…" She snapped her fingers and suddenly Axel ran over to her and kissed her…HARD. After a minute, she managed to snap her fingers again and Axel calmed down.

"WELL! I'll make good use of THAT power, let me assure you!" She said breathlessly.

The others were staring at the two of them in shock. Robin ignored them.

"Now, for the cast and costumes," She said. "Frank will be played by…Riku!" With another snap of her fingers, Riku was in costume. The silver-haired teen groaned, but looked resigned to his fate. Robin smirked. "Rocky will be SORA!" SNAP! "Riff-Raff…DEMYX!" SNAP! "Magenta…..KAIRI!" SNAP! "Brad…ROXAS!" SNAP! "Janet…NAMINÉ!" SNAP! "Eddie/Dr. Scott….AXEL!" SNAP! "The Criminologist….Zexion!" SNAP! "Extras… Leon, Aerith, Yuffie, Cid, Cloud, Merlin, and Tifa!" SNAP! Now everyone was in costume, looking around bemusedly.

"You forgot Columbia," Zexion remarked snidely. Axel's eyes widened. He realized JUST what was gonna happen. He smirked.

"No, I didn't," Robin replied, grinning at Axel's expression. With a snap, her own clothes became Columbia's costume. "NOW we're ready for the show!"


	2. Dammit, Janet

Axel, do the disclaimer again please.**  
Axel: Fine...Robin owns nothing in this execpt herself and some of the lines.**  
Thanks, love :)

* * *

Roxas, Naminé, and the extras were now on stage, which was remodeled to look like the exterior of a church.

"Do we HAVE to do this?" Roxas asked.

"YES," replied Robin. "Now, the words you need to sing will appear on the huge screen I made out of no-where so don't worry about memorizing anything. Suddenly she gasped. "Oh, SHIT! I forgot the Famous Singing Lips!" With a snap, the curtain went down and her clothes had changed to a sparkly evening gown. She snapped her fingers, and some music started. Riku, who had extensive experience with live showings of RHPS, had been whispering something to the others who began to grin insanely. Robin began to sing.

"Michael Rennie was ill, the day the Earth stood still, but he told us where we stand"

At this point, every member of the Kingdom Hearts cast yelled out, "ON OUR FEET!" Robin blinked and snapped, pausing the music.

"So, you want to add in the audience participation, eh? Fine!" So Robin sang the opening song, with everyone else yelling out random and occasionally inappropriate phrases, thanks to Riku. By the end, everyone was laughing so hard they could barely breathe.

"Now," gasped Robin, "Back to the wedding. Places, people."

((AUTHOR'S NOTE: from now on, **bold** means that it's something people not in the scene are yelling (such as audience participation). Regular means it's something someone in the scene is saying out of character and _italics_ is something in character. Got it? Good! Oh, it will also be in script format. Bite me.))

Leon, who was playing Ralph Hapshatt for this scene, walked to the front of the stage with Roxas.

Leon: _Well, I guess we really did it, huh? _God, that sounded wrong….

**Robin: Shut up! It's supposed to sound wrong!**

Roxas playfully punched Leon in the shoulder. Leon returned the gesture a little harder than necessary.

**Random people in audience (RPIA): Asshole fight! Asshole fight!**

Roxas: _I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher course._

**Riku:They shouldn't have used superglue as a contraceptive!**

Leon: _That's the only reason I even took that course!_ Great, so I'm playing someone who's a bloody moron that probably doesn't even know how to read.

**Robin: Shush! He's only in the show for maybe 10 minutes!**

Yuffie (Who's playing Betty): _Alright, I'm throwing the bouquet!_

**RPIA: Who's got STDs? Who's got STDs?**

Naminé: This is sooooo degrading…_I got it! I got it!_

Leon: _Looks like it could be your turn next, huh? _God, why must we do this?

**Robin: Because I said so dammit!**

(Everyone leaves except Roxas and Naminé)

Naminé: _Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful?_

**RPIA: NO!**

Naminé: _Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful?_

**RPIA: NO!**

Naminé: _Oh, I can't believe that an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe, and now..._

**Robin: She's a married whore!**

Naminé: …_now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt._

**Riku: Same thing!**

Roxas: How would we know? We weren't at the damn wedding, the show cut that out!

**Robin: glares**

Roxas: Uh, I mean…_Hey, Janet?_

Naminé: _Yes, Brad?_

Roxas: _I've got something to say_.

**Robin: SAY IT ASSHOLE!**

Roxas: _I really loved the... _

**Robin: STARTS WITH** **AN S**

**Riku: TRY SKILLFUL, MORON!**

Roxas: _...skillful way... _

**Robin and Riku: WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS!**

Roxas: _...you beat the girls..._

**Axel the Sex-Crazed Perv: With whips and chains?**

Roxas: _…to the bride's bouquet!_

**Axel: Aw, damn!**

(Music starts)

Roxas (Singing): The river was deep, but I swam it.

**RPIA: JANET.**

Roxas: The future is ours so let's plan it.

**RPIA: JANET.**

Roxas: So please don't tell me to can it.

**RPIA: JANET.**

Roxas: There's one thing to say and that's

**RPIA: DAMN IT! JANET! LET'S GO SCREW!**

Roxas: damn it! Janet! I love you! The road was long, but I ran it.

**RPIA: JANET.**

Roxas: There's a fire in my heart and you fan it.

**RPIA: JANET.**

Roxas: If there's one fool for you then I am it.

**RPIA: JANET.**

Roxas: I have one thing to say and that's damn it! Janet! I love you!

(Roxas draws a heart on the church door)

**Riku: ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON CHURCH DOORS.**

Roxas: Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker.

**RPIA: HE'S A QUEEN!**

Roxas: There's three ways that love can grow. That's good, bad, or mediocre.

**Robin: No, that's Gay, Straight, and Bisexual! Now spell slut!**

Roxas: J-A-N-E-T I love you so!

After that, the rest of the song passed without incident (go look up the lyrics if your curious.)

With a snap of Robin's fingers, the scene changed to that of an office:

Zexion: Why the hell am I the neck-less bastard?

**Robin: Because I said so!**

Zexion: Fine. _I would like_,

**RPIA: YOU WOULD, WOULDN'T** **YOU?**

Zexion: _if I may, _

**YOU MAY.**

Zexion: _to take you _

**Random Zexion Fangirl: Take me! Take me!**

Zexion: heh, I could get used to this… _on a strange journey_.

**RPIA: HOW** **STRANGE WAS IT?**

Zexion: _It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors, and his fiancee' Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton, that late November evening _

**Robin: That's not strange!**

Zexion: _to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them._

**Robin: IS IT TRUE YOU MASTURBATE?**

Zexion: Oh, you'll pay for this… _It's true, there were dark storm clouds_.

**Robin: DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS.**

Zexion: glares at Robin _heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving. _

**Riku: IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU'RE** **CONSTIPATED?**

Zexion: makes a very rude finger gesture toward Riku _It's true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but they being normal kids and on a night out, well they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out...it was a night out... _

**RIPA: We heard you the first time!**

Zexion:_...they were going to remember_

**RPIA: FOR HOW LONG?**

Zexion: _for a very long time._


	3. Riku In A Corset

This chapter is longer than the rest for the simple reason that--**  
Riku: She wanted to write me in drag  
**Precisely  
**Riku: WHAT? I was just kidding!**  
Sorry, luv, that's the truth. Axel, Riku, if you please?  
**Axel and Riku: Robin owns nothing but herself.  
**Merci.

* * *

(The stage is done to resemble the inside of a car. It's raining, and the winshield wipers are going. A motorcycle goes past)

Naminé: _Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's past us_

**Riku**: **Kairi, your nobody can't count. That's only the first!**

**Kairi: Shut the fuck up, shithead**

**Robin: Whoa! Where did she learn to swear!**

**Axel: (Looks away, whistling innocently.)**

Naminé: (glaring) Can we get ON with it? _They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all._  
Roxas: _Yes Janet, life's pretty cheap for that type_

**Sora: Yep, only two dollars a trick!**

**Everyone: (stares at Sora)**

**Riku: Where did you pick THAT up?**

**Axel: (Looks away, whistling innocently.)**

Roxas (_looks frustrated)_

Naminé: _What's the matter Brad darling?_

Roxas: _Hmmm, we must've taken a wrong fork a few miles back._

**Robin: Go Fork Yourself!**

Naminé: _But then where did that motorcyclist come from?_

**Riku and Robin: (hum the _Twilight Zone_ theme)**

(There is a loud bang, and the 'car' jolts)

Naminé: _What was that?_

Roxas: _We must have a blowout, damn it! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed._

**RPIA: ASSHOLE!**

Roxas: _Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help._

Naminé: _Where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere._

Roxas: _Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use._

Naminé: _I'm going with you. _Wait….why do I have to go with him?

**Robin: Because I'll hurt you if you don't.**

Naminé: Fair enough…

Roxas: _Oh darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet. _GOD that sounded dirty.

**Riku: Yes it did…**

Naminé: _I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman—_

**Robin: SHE IS! (Smirking at Riku)**

**Riku: Grrr… I'll get you for that.**

Naminé: --and you might never come back again.

(They get out and walk off. Robin snaps her fingers, and the scen changes to the outside of a castle. Naminé is covering her head with a newspaper.

**Cloud: God, they're too cheap to even buy an umbrella! Even I'M not that cheap!**

Naminé: _In the velvet darkness... ...of the blackest night... ...burning bright... ...there's a guiding star._

**Riku: IT WAS A PLANET, DUMBASS!.**

Naminé: _No matter what_

**Robin: WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND** **HOW.**

Naminé: _or, who you are. _

**Sora: WHAT'S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? Besides mold…**

Naminé and Roxas: _There's a light, over at the_

**Leon: EPCOT CENTER! (Music stops, everyone stares. Crickets chirp.) What, I can't crack jokes too? (Music resumes.)**

Naminé and Roxas: _Frankenstein place. There's a light, burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life. _

**ONE! TWO!** **THREE!**

(Demyx enters stage right)

Demyx: Why must I be the creepy butler? (sigh) _Darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my life. Into my life... _Wow, no one interupted me!

Naminé and Roxas: _There's a light, over at the Frankenstein place. There's a light, burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life._

(Back to the Criminologist)

**Random fangirls, including Robin: YAY! Sexy Zexy!**

Zexion: (Smirking) _And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required._

**Yuffie: Or had they…?**

Zexion: _Or had they?_

**Yuffie: I asked you first!**

Zexion: (rolls his eyes as he leaves the stage)

(Back to the mansion)

**Robin: Why does Janet have a condom in her hair? (Everyone looks)**

**Riku: It DOES look like a condom!**

Naminé: SHUT UP!_ Oh Brad, let's go back! I'm cold and I'm frightened._

Roxas: _Just a moment Janet. They may have a phone. _Somehow that seems extraordinarly unlikely…

(Demyx opens the door)

**Axel: Now, Riff, be polite and say hello to your guests!**

Demyx: (Glares at Axel) _Hello._

**Axel: Good boy!**

Demyx: (Breaks character, summoning his sitar and playing a song to drench Axel)

**Robin: (Snaps fingers, drying Axel off)**

**Axel: (chases Demyx around the theatre)**

**Everyone execpt Axel and Demyx: (Laughing their asses off).**

(20 minutes later, back in the show…)

Roxas: _Hi! My name's Brad Majors,_

**Robin: ASSHOLE!**

Roxas:_ and this is my fianceé Janet Weiss. _

**Riku: SLUT!**

Roxas: _I wonder if you might help us, you see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?_

Demyx: _You're wet..._

**Axel: NO SHIT SHERLOCK!**

Demyx: SHUT THE FUCK UP AXEL!

**Robin: (laughing her ass off)**

Naminé: _Yes, it's raining…_

**Riku: NO SHIT SHIRLEY**

Demyx: Do I really have to let them in?

**Robin: Yes, otherwise there's no plot.**

Demyx: (Sigh) _I think perhaps you better both come inside._

(Scene changes to a parlor. The right half of the stage is dark, with strange noises coming from it.)

Naminé: _Oh, Brad, I'm frightened! _God, why do I have to play the pussy? _What kind of a place IS this?_

Roxas: _Probably a hunting lodge for rich weirdos._

Naminé: (_hearing the noises) Oh, are you having a party?_

Demyx: _You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs._

Naminé: _Oh…lucky him_

Kairi: (sliding down a staircase banister) _You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!_

**Sora: (goggling at Kairi in a French Maid's outfit) The banister's DAMN lucky.!**

**Riku: (smacks Sora upside the head)**

(A gong starts offscreen. Everyone gets in position and looks excited)

Demyx: _It's astounding, time is fleeting. Madness, takes it's toll, but listen closely--_

Kairi: _Not for very much longer!_

Demyx: _I've got to keep control. I remember, doing the Time Warp! Drinking... ...those moment's when, the blackness would hit me, and the voice would be calling—_

(Demyx and Kairi fling open the door to the right half of the stage, revealing all the extras and Robin sitting around—not to mention the main characters who weren't in this scene, whose clothes had been temporarily changed by Robin)

ALL: _LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_

Zexion: Where the hell did the Criminologist come from? _It's just a jump to the left_

ALL: _AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-IGHT!_

Zexion: _Put your hands on your hips _Or somebody elses!

ALL: _AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-ANE! LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINNN!_

Kairi: It's so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can't see me

Riku: DO YOU DOUCHE?

Kairi: _No, not at all_.

Sora: WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE?

Kairi: _In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions. _

Riku: WHERE ARE YOUR BREASTS?

Kairi: _Well secluded, _

Robin (Flipping Kairi off)CAN YOU SEE THIS?

Kairi: _I see all._

Robin:OH SHIT!

Demyx: _With a bit of a mind flip,_

Kairi: _You're into the TIME SLIP!_

Demyx: _And nothing can ever be the same_

Kairi: _You're spaced out on sensation_

Robin: Describe the audience!

Everyone Else: What audience?

Demyx: _Like you're under sedation_

ALL: _LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_

Robin: FINALLY, MY PART! _Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink._

Riku: I resemble that remark…

Robin: _He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would again._

ALL: _LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_

Zexion: (standing on desk) _It's just a jump to the left_

Everyone else: Why the FUCK are you standing on your desk? Nevermind, we don't wanna know.

ALL: _AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-IGHT!_

Zexion: _Put your hands on your hips _

ALL: _AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-ANE! LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINNN!_

Robin: (Does a really awful tapdancing routine that results on her falling on her ass. Everyone else laughs)

ALL: _LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_

Zexion: (still standing on desk) _It's just a jump to the left_

ALL: _AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-IGHT!_

Zexion: _Put your hands on your hips _

ALL: _AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-ANE! LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINNN!_

(everyone falls down)

Naminé: _Brad, please…let's get out of here!_

Robin: Roxas, tell Namine how to get off!_  
_

Roxas: (glaring at Robin) _Keep a grip on yourself, Janet!_

Naminé: _But it seems so unhealthy here_.

Roxas: _It's just a party Janet._

Naminé: _Well I want to go!_

Roxas: _Well we can't go anywhere till I get to a phone._

Naminé: _Well then ask the butler or someone._

Roxas: _Just a moment Janet, we don't want to interfere with their celebration._

Naminé: _This isn't the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committie, Brad!_

Robin: (sniggers at change of words)_  
_

Roxas: _They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more...Folk Dancing._

Naminé: _Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!_

Roxas: _I'm here, there's nothing to worry about. _

Naminé: _(She sees Riku and screams)_

Riku: (wearing a cape that covers all but his makeup-covered face. He COMPLETELY hams it up, openly flirting with Robin to tease her) _How do you do, I see you've met my faithful--_

**Sora: HAND JOB MAN.**

**Demyx: (glares)**

Riku: _--handyman. He's just a little brought down, because when you knocked, he thought you were the Candy Man. Don't get strung out_

**Roxas:****ON COCAINE!**

Riku: _by the way I look,_

**Roxas: SAME THING.**

Riku: _don't judge a book by it's cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one_

**Robin: (staring at Riku's sexy self) SICK** **MOTHERFUCKER.**

Riku: _hell of a lover. (Riku throws off the cloak, revealing an extremely sexy corset)_

**Riku Fangirls everywhere, including Robin: (Fall off their seats and drool)**

Riku: _I'm just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual, that's not too abysmal, we could take in an old KEANU REEVES movie._

**Robin: ooh, like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?**

Riku: ooh, you like that movie too? Cool!

Roxas: _I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. We'll just say where we are, then go_

**Robin: FUCK IN THE CAR**

Roxas: _back to the car. We don't want to be any worry._

Riku: _Well you got caught with a flat, well...how 'bout that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night, it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a Satanic Mechanic!_

(Riku and Robin walk to the chair at the far end of the stage, turning back and doing hip thrusts, Riku smirking at Robin, who's about to fucking melt).

Riku: . _I'm just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania._ (_He sits down, with Robin, Kairi, and Demyx around him). Why don't you stay for the night?_

Demyx: _Night _So now I'm a parrot?

Riku: _Or maybe a bite._

Robin: (Can't say her line as she's drooling over Riku's chisled leg in fishnets).

Riku:I could show you my favorite obsession.

**Sora: SEX! **

Riku: _I've been making a man._

**Sora: WHAT'S HE** **LOOK LIKE?**

Riku: _With blonde hair and a tan._

**Sora:WHAT'S HE GOOD FOR?**

Riku: _And he's good for relieving my_

**Sora: HARD ON!**

Riku: _tension._

**Sora**: **SAME THING.**

Riku: _I'm just a Sweet Transvestie from Transexual, Transylvania._

Robin: (_Checks Riku's hottness out). _

**Sora: Woo, Robin's checking out Riku!**

Robin: SHUT UP! It's part of the character!

Riku: Don't tell me you don't like it!

Robin: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Riku: _HIT IT, HIT IT! I'm just a Sweet Transvestie_

Robin, Kairi, and Demyx: _Sweet Transvestite_

Riku: _from Transexual, Transylvania! So, come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici..._

Robin: (hanging on his every word)

Riku: (smirking) …_pation. But maybe the rain, is really to blame, so I'll remove the cause...but not the symptom!_

**Robin: Ok, everyone take a 20 minute break so I can go take a VERRRYYY cold shower.**


	4. Hot Patootie, indeed!

Now, presenting the reason I decided to make myself Columbia instead of Magenta  
**Axel: She tries to kill Riku! Oh, and she owns nothing execpt herself.  
**

* * *

(Riku has left via elevator. Demyx and Kairi begin taking Naminé and Roxas's clothes, starting with their coats.)

**Robin: Do an impression of Elvis, guys!**

Naminé: _Thank you_

Roxas: _Thank you very much!_

(They then start on blouses and pants, so Naminé and Roxas are down to their underwear)

Naminé: _Oh, Brad!_

Roxas: _It's all right, Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right!_

**Riku: Hey, Robin! How do you like your sex?**

Robin: (glares at Riku) You'll pay for that… _Slowly, slowly, it's too nice a job to rush!_

Roxas: Hi! My name's Brad Majors,

**Robin: ASSHOLE!**

Roxas: and this is my fianceé Janet Weiss.

**Riku: SLUT! Hey Roxas, spell 'urinate'!**

Roxas: _You are, uh..?_

**Riku: Close enough.**

Robin: _You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory, some people would give their right arm for the privilege._

**Riku: (in a bad Dracula voice) Come up to my lab…**

Robin: Hehehehe

Roxas: _People like you, maybe? _I'm sure she'd like that…

Robin: People like ME, yes. People like my CHARACTER? _Ha! I've seen it!_

Kairi: _Come along, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting._

Naminé: _Is he, Frank I mean, is he your husband?_

**Everyone: (sniggers at Kairi, who looks dumbfounded at suggestion)**

Demyx: _The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are merely his…servants._

(Snap. Scene change to lab)

(Riku is standing there in his lab coat. Robin drools)

**Sora: What color are your balls?**

Riku: (glares at Sora) _Magenta…_

_(Kairi steps forward)_

**Sora: Where do you get your drugs?**

Riku: _Columbia…_

_(Robins steps forward, still drooling)_

**Axel: Good choice!**

Riku: _Go and assist Riff-Raff. I will entertain our…guests._

Roxas: _I'm Brad Majors, this is my fianceé_ _Janet Vice_

Naminé: _WEISS!_

Robin: That's the third time he's said that, you'd think he'd get it right!

Riku: _Enchanté. Well, how nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here, put these on (hands them lab coats) They'll make you feel less…vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them hospitality. _

Roxas: _HOSPITALITY? All we wanted was to use you phone goddamnit, a reasonable request, which you've chosen to ignore! (yanks his glasses off)_

**Sora: It's SUPERASSHOLE!**

Roxas: (glares)

Naminé: _Don't be ungrateful!_

Roxas: _Ungrateful!_

Riku: _How forceful you are Brad, Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant. You must be awfully proud of him Janet._

Robin: Are you a hooker?

Naminé: (looks ready to kill Robin) _Well, yes, I am…_

Demyx: (approaches) _Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your word._

_(Riku goes to the podium and addresses everyone.)_

Robin: When's the orgy, Riku?

Riku: (smirks) _Tonight! My unconventional conventionalists, you are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research and paradise is to be mine! It was strange the way it happened. Suddenly you get a break and all the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been, what a fool. The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen._

**Axel: What was your birth?**

Riku: (Glares, summoning the Way To The Dawn. At a _look_ from Robin, he puts it away and continues). _An accident! And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that...spark! That is the breath of life._

**Sora: Do you know how to masturbate?**

Riku: _Yes! I have that knowledge!_

**Axel: What deodorant do you use?**

Riku: _I hold the secret_

**RPIA: To life?**

Riku: _To life!_

**RPIA: The Universe?**

Riku: (blinks and grins) _The Universe!_

**RPIA: And everything?**

Riku: _AND EVERYTHING!_

**Robin: (yawning) That's OLD news! It's 42! F!**

Riku: _You see,_

**Robin: K SPELLS FUCK!**

Riku: _You are most fortunate, for tonight, my beautiful creature is to be born!_

(random flashy lights)

(_Sora emerges from tank in a gold speedo. Sora fangirls, Robin included, drool)_

Sora: Hey, this is actually pretty comfy! _The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head and I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread! Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery and can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer! I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed._

All:_ That ain't no crime!_

Sora: _And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread._

All:_ That ain't no crime!_

Sora: _My high is low. I'm dressed up with no place to go and all I know is that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer._

Riku: (chasing Sora around) _Oh Rocky!_

All:_ Sha-la-la. That ain't no crime! (refrain)_

Sora: _The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head._

All:_ That ain't no crime!_

Sora: _And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread!_

All:_ That ain't no crime!_

Sora: _Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery and can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer._

Riku: _Oh, Rocky! That's no way to behave on your first day out! But since you're such an…exceptional beauty, I'm prepared to forgive you. Oh, I just LOVE success!_

Demyx: (grudgingly) _He's a credit to your genius master_

Kairi: _A triumph of your will!_

Robin: _He's okay…_

Riku: _Okay? OKAY? Humph. I think we can do better than that. (walks over to Roxas and Naminé with Sora.) Now, Brad and Janet, what do YOU think of him?_

Naminé: _Well, I don't like guys with too many muscles_

Roxas (looks injured)

Naminé: It's part of the script, dear

Roxas: Oh…

Riku: _I didn't make him for YOU! He carries the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval_

Robin: (makes seal sounds)

**Axel: Describe Demyx!**

**Demyx: (chases Axel around the theatre)**

**Robin and Riku and Sora: NOT AGAIN!**

**Robin: (snaps and Axel and Demyx are back in their original places, with no memory of what Axel just said)**

Riku: Can I continue now?

**Robin: Go ahead **

Riku: Thanks. _A weakling weighing 98 pounds, will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground. And soon in the gym with a determined chin, the sweat from his pores as he works for his cause. Will make him glisten and gleam and with massage and just a little bit of steam. He'll be pink and quite clean.(Sora is working out during the whole song, making fangirls everywhere drool) He'll be a strong man, oh honey, but the wrong man. _

_He'll eat nutritious, high protein, and swallow raw eggs, try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and_

**Axel: BALLS!**

Riku: _legs! Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan! In just seven days_

Sora: and Six Long Nights!

Riku: _I can make you a man! He'll do press ups and chinups, the snatch, clean and jerk_

**Axel: OFF!**

Robin: (sniggers)(_rubs oil on Sora's muscled chest)_

**Sora Fangirls: (give Robin murderous looks)**

Robin: Wow, these are niiiceee…

Sora: Well, the bloody keybade is heavy!

Riku: _He digs dynamic tension, must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just can't undersand_

Sora: because's you're a lazy bastard!

Riku: (slaps Sora upside the head) _when in just seven days I can make you a man!_

**Axel: FINALLY!**

(door bursts open, Axel rides in on motorcycle. Axel fangirls, including Robin again, drool. Robin gets a sudden nosebleed. Axel and Riku look concerned. Robin waves them off)

Robin: I'm fine….(spazzes) OHMIGODIGETTODANCEWITHAHAWTSEXYAXELINBIKERCLOTHESOMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD! (calms instantly) I'm fine. Continue.

**Everyone else: (blinks)**

Axel: _Woo! Whatever happened to Saturday Night when you're at the job and you felt all right. It don't seem the same since cosmic light, came into my life, I thought I was divine. I use to go for a ride with a chick who'd go (here he snaps his fingers and Robin literally runs into his arms As he sings the next few lines, he picks her up and sits her on the motorcycle. She's drooling and her nose is still bleeding just a bit.) and listen to the music on the radio. A saxophone was blowing on a rock n roll show, we climbed in the back seat and baby had a real good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul (Robin grabs his hand and begins licking it. It's in character, but she's enjoying it WAAY more than nessecary.) I really love that Rock-n-Roll! (Robin and Axel begin dancing) Hot patootie, bless my soul I really love that Rock-n-Roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul I really love that Rock-n-Roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul I really love that Rock-n-Roll! (Axel begins playing saxaphone) My head, it used to swim from the perfume I smelled, my hands kinda fumbled with her white plastic belt. I kissed my baby's pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt, (Axel acts like he's gonna kiss Robin, but pulls away at the last second. He walks toward Roxas and Naminé, Robin pulling at his scarf to get him to stay) she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. Get back in front, put some hair oil on, Buddy Holly was singing his very last song. With your arms around your girl you try to sing along. It felt pretty good, baby had a real good time! (Axel and Robin continue dancing, and almost making out on the floor because Robin pulls him into her) Hot patootie, bless my soul I really love that Rock-n-Roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul I really love that Rock-n-Roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul I really love that Rock-n-Roll! (Axel drives motorcycle around)_

Riku: _(grabs pickaxe, chases Axel off stage. Bloodsplatters and screams come from where they went.)_

Robin: (Forgets it's part of the script and goes beserk.) (Chases Riku around with her own, real, pickaxe (Riku's was a prop))

20 minutes later

Axel: (stops laughing long enough to speak) Robin, calm down, it's part of the damn show!

Robin: (stops chasing Riku, who looks relieved) Oh…I knew that. (snaps her fingers and Axel is by her side.) We're gonna take a break now so I can have some….alone time with Axel. (Snaps again, she and Axel disapear).


	5. TouchaMe! No, ME! NO, ME!

Robin: (Returns, dissheveled, with Riku and Axel in tow, equally dissheveled) Wow. (snaps. They're back in costume.

**Everyone else: We don't WANNA know**

Robin: GOOD! I don't own anything execpt myself. I know this chapter's short, but I was having writers block. Bite me. Riku, if you please.

Riku: (clears his throat) _One from the vaults._

**Tifa: Bloody gloves? Go plant them at Sephiroth's place!**

**Sephiroth: I resent that**

**Robin: Go away, you're not part of this fic.**

_(Sora looks upset)_

Riku: _Oh baby, don't be upset, it was a mercy killing! He had a certain naïve charm, but no muscle! But a deltoid, and a bicep, a cut groin, and a tricep, makes me... shake! Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the_

Sora: BALLS!

Riku: (glares) _Hand. In just seven days_

Sora: And six long nights!

Riku: _I can make you a man (starts walking downstage)_

**Riku Fangirls: STRUT IT HOTSTUFF!**

Riku: _I don't want dissention, just dynamic tension!_

Naminé: _I'm a muscle fan!_

Roxas: (looks hurt)

Naminé: part of the script again, dear.

Riku: _In just seven days I can make you a man! Dig it if you can! In just seven days I can make you a man! _(_music fades into wedding march. Demyx and Kairi pull aside curtain to reveal wedding suite.)_

Sora: Sorry, slash fans, it ends here.

**Slash fans: Awww!**

(Back to Sexy Zexy!)

Zexion: _There are those who say life is an illusion,_

**Sora: LIKE YOUR NECK!**

Zexion: _that reality is simply a figment of the imagination._

Sora: **LIKE YOUR NECK!**

Zexion: (glares) _If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host and his creation, into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy._ Woo, sex scene time! _A feeling which grew _Unlike my neck, apparently, _as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms. _Woo, Riku's about to GET IT ON!

**Riku: Shut up.**

(Main scenes, two bedrooms. One pink, one blue. Naminé is shown into the pink one, Roxas to the blue one.

(pink room. There's a curtain, everything is silhouetted)

(door opens)

Naminé: _Who's there?_

Riku: (disguising his voice to sound like Roxas) _It's only me, Janet_

Naminé: _Oh..(realizes it's Riku, not Roxas) OH! It's YOU!_

(Random noises indicating something happening behind the curtain.)

**Riku/Naminé fans: YAY!**

(curtain parts on accident, to reveal Riku and Naminé playing cards while they make the noises.)

Riku: Got any queens?

Naminé: Go fish…aw damn (closes curtain)

**Robin: uh…..**

**Riku/Naminé fans: DAMN!**

**Robin: (snaps to blue room)**

(blue room. There's a curtain, everything is silhouetted)

(door opens)

Roxas: _Who's there?_

Riku: (disguising his voice to sound like Naminé) _It's only me, Brad_

Roxas: _Oh..(realizes it's Riku, not Naminé) OH! It's YOU!_

(Random noises indicating something happening behind the curtain.)

**Riku/Roxas Fans: Oh, no, we don't trust you after what you did to the Riku/Naminé fans. (they pull curtains aside to reveal Roxas and Riku really getting it on**

**Robin: WTF?**

Riku: SHUT THE DAMN CURTAIN PEOPLE!

Demyx: (enters, looking sick to his stomach) _Master, Rocky has escaped._

Riku: SHUT THE GODDAMN CURTAIN AND GET THE HELL OUT, WE'RE BUSY HERE!

**Robin: Ok, next scene! (runs and hides)**

(scene changes to lab on right half of stage, on left are Robin and Kairi watching on a monitor as if they're being vouyers.

Naminé: (goes to tank) (sees Sora, injured.) _Oh, you poor thing! What did they do to you? I'll dress your wounds!_

**Riku: Sora's about to get some!**

Sora: (summons Fenrir. Riku backs up. Sora banishes the keyblade)

Zexion: _Emotion: Agitation or disturbance of mind, vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Janet was indeed it's slave._

Robin and Kairi: _Tell us about it Janet!_

Naminé: _I was feeling done in, couldn't win. The only other I'd kissed before._

Robin: _You mean she's…_

Kairi: _Uh-huh!_

Naminé: _I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting. It only leads to trouble andseat wetting. Now all I want to know is how to go. I've tasted blood and I want more._

Robin & Kairi: _More, more, more!_

**Riku, Axel, Demyx, Robin's friend Luke, and all the other males in the cast: (realize they're pitching a tent due to the almost-lesbianism on one side of the stage and the blatant almost-sex on the other)**

Naminé: _I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance. I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance! Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me creature of the night. (Sora starts feeling up Naminé)_

**Riku, Axel, Demyx, Robin's friend Luke, and all the other males in the cast: Oh crap…**

Naminé: _Then if anything grows while you pose I'll oil you up and rub you down_

Robin & Kairi: _Down, Down, Down!_

Naminé: _And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction. You need a friendly hand and I need action! (Sora grabs her boobs. Surprisingly she dosen't object)_

**Roxas: What the fuck? I thought you were mine!**

Robin: Yeah, well I thought Riku was mine too, ya bastard.

Naminé: _Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me creature of the night._

_(Robin and Kairi are having a pillow fight)_

Robin: _Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me_  
Kairi:_ I wanna be dirty!_

Robin:_ Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me_

Kairi:_ creature of the night._


End file.
